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adventure in dating, awkward, awkward turtle, blah adulthood, crush, dating, drinking, drunk face, emotional breakdown, epic fail, falling in love, first kiss, guys suck, idiot, inappropriate, kiss, lesson learned, life, life choices, life lessons, love, mistakes, online dating, regrets, sad, sadness, self-conscious, shenanigans, smells like man, stank face, stories, stress, wine
I remember… the flutter in my stomach walking up to your door, wondering what your reaction would be to see me. Feeling silly knocking on your door, hoping that I wouldn’t be left on your doorstep in anticipation. My nerves creeping up to the surface, feeling an exciting shiver when you opened the door and smiled at me. My shyness coming out, unable to say anything of consequence until I realized you had baseball on TV. The ease I felt sitting next to you, watching you playing video games, able to do absolutely nothing with you happily, the feel of your arms around me, hearing your heartbeat speed up or slow down.
I still remember our first kiss – as lovers, then as something more. How my heart would start to beat faster when you were close to me. The feel of your hands on me, taking me, possessing me, touching me, feeling my skin, my sighs, my heart beat with yours. How you showed me something new about myself with each time we were together. New depths of feeling, uncertainty, and fear but conquering the unsettled rumbling in my mind and heart. Falling asleep with you after random evenings.
I remember our first meal together, and being so scared that I had too much dairy and would embarrass myself. The first time I really cooked a meal for enjoyment WITH another person, loving its domesticity and intimacy. I remember watching games with you, and us yelling at the TV for the same thing.
I remember how excited I would get with each message from you, and how surprised I was when you wanted to do something else besides have sex with me. When we would text about nothing at all, but I knew it was more important than anything else.
I remember how terrified I was the first time I realized you were the last person I thought of before I fell asleep and the first thing on my mind before I even hit snooze. How I blushed with every compliment you gave me. How safe I felt next to you when we fell asleep – safe in a way I haven’t felt in nearly a decade.
But I remember too the feeling of your distrust, knowing that you were hiding so much of yourself away from me. The hurt when you wouldn’t talk to me, or always put other things before me. How you would ignore me just to prove to yourself that you could. The nagging in the back of my mind when I knew you saw me only as an option and nothing more. How hurtful it was when you lied to me. The devastation when you disappeared from my life without a full explanation, and I realized that you only kept talking to me because you thought I was pregnant, and the pain that you thought I was that kind of person…
I still feel like my world dropped out from under me. I might remember the good and the bad for a while yet, but most importantly, I’ll remember you.
frabjousfaye 